


The Hobbit: Thorin No

by StephanieC



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: I'll try and keep it to a minimum, based off of a tumblr post, dis is a bamf but we already knew that, don't blame me, may have some strong vocabulary, this is infinity percent pure crack, totally didn't happen though I wish it would've
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 17:20:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2076516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StephanieC/pseuds/StephanieC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based off of this post here: http://anunexpectedhotdwarf.tumblr.com/post/93410455539/royal-nephews-the-hobbit-au-the-company</p><p>Link explains the whole story really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hobbit: Thorin No

They all knew every decision Thorin made had been what led them from bad to worse. Each and every single one of them knew it in their hearts. But none of them had the courage to tell him as much, not even the two nephews he loved so dearly. Until finally, one day, they snapped.

It happened when Bilbo was sent in to get the Arkenstone. Fili and Kili were off in a corner talking animatedly with Balin and Dwalin, all four shooting worried glances at Thorin. After all, they, above all the others, could see just how _much_ the soon-to-be king had already begun to change. “Look at his eyes. They’ve gotten darker. And I don’t mean because of the fact that it’s dark, you idiot,” Fili hissed, speaking before Kili could even open his mouth, though the slight pout made it clear that that was _exactly_ what the young dwarf prince had been thinking.

“Balin, is there _any_ sort of way we can discuss this with him and not get him angry?” Kili asked worriedly, now outright staring at Thorin, who was merely twirling his sword around, jabbing randomly at imaginary, invisible foes. Balin glanced again at the leader of their Company and sighed sadly, shaking his head, just as Bilbo appeared, huffing and puffing with a golden cup clutched in his small hands. But then the worst happened. Smaug. Woke. Up.

“THORIN OAKENSHIELD YOU BETTER HAVE A _DAMN_ GOOD REASON FOR ALL THIS RIDICULOUSNESS! I DID NOT COME FROM HOME JUST TO SEE YOU _IDIOTS_ WAKE UP _THE SLEEPING DRAGON_!” a shrill voice screamed from the steps.

“Amad?!” Fili and Kili asked simultaneously, both going pale but nowhere near as pale as Thorin went. His sword clattered to the ground as he froze and tried to shrink into a crevice. Sure enough, the black hair and stern face of Dis appeared.  “AMAD!” the boys cried once she was safely on the ledge, going over and hugging her tightly. Her face softened significantly at the sight, sound, and feel of her two boys, but as soon as her eyes fell upon Thorin, she was back to being furious.

Once she had gotten free of the death-grip her sons had on her and greeted everyone else – a rather amusing affair, as many of the dwarves were flabbergasted and legitimately terrified of her save for Balin and Dwalin, who simply looked as if they could double over laughing at any given second – she set her icy glare on Thorin. “You have put my boys through pain and suffering and misery and _imprisonment_ just to get your _stupid_ mountain back. You have led them to almost certain death more times than I care to know or even think about, and now you’ve gone and woken a _dragon_ ,” she sneered, stepping closer and closer until she was right in front of him.

It was at this moment that many of the dwarves – as well as Bilbo – realized just how much the two siblings resembled each other. Though she did not have a beard and her hair was less silver than her brother’s, they could have easily been twins. “They knew what they were getting into, Namad. As you said, they’re of age – or almost, in Kili’s case – and free to make their own decisions and-“

“YES BUT NOT GET ROASTED BY A _DRAGON_!” she screamed, and everyone winced as Smaug roared in response to the shrill voice. “OH SHUT UP DOWN THERE. NO ONE’S TALKING TO YOU AND I SWEAR IF I HEAR ANOTHER SOUND I WILL _PERSONALLY_ DELIVER A BLACK ARROW TO YOUR HEART!” That seemed to do the trick as the rumbling and growling suddenly ceased beneath their feet. “Thank you. Now. You, sir,” she growled as she grabbed Thorin’s ear between her nails, “are going to go down there to the foot of the stairs with me and wait for Gandalf to arrive. _You_ ,” she continued, rounding on Fili who suddenly look absolutely terrified as if his ear was going to be the next to be pinched between her notorious nails, “will be in charge up here. No one goes into that mountain unless it is raining fire, do you understand me?” Everyone nodded and she smiled, shoving Thorin in front of her and not budging until he began the slow climb down. With a smile and a curt nod – and a quick peck on the cheeks for her sons, both of whom protested the sign of affection loudly – she followed him down, calling him names the entire way down.

“Well, that settles that then. Have we got wood for a fire?” Fili asked after a moment, and suddenly everyone was bustling around, setting up camp for the night. “Can you believe she just _showed up_ like that?” he asked Balin quietly later on, when most everyone was asleep.

The two were smoking their pipes and keeping watch, though it hardly seemed necessary. After all, they were how far up? And that dragon wasn’t going anywhere, either. He seemed quite content to stay put, probably in fear of Dis. It was rumored that on the day he arrived, she stood at the entrance to the royal chambers, her hands on her little hips as she fixed him with her legendary glare and declared that he would _never_ set foot there. Whether or not it was true, it made for a good tale and most were willing to buy into it. “Aye, laddie, I can, to be honest,” the old dwarf chuckled, grinning as he remembered a much younger Dis, “I’m shocked she didn’t show up sooner, to be honest.”

Similar thoughts were racing through Thorin’s head down below, but he didn’t dare voice them, or even look up as Dis chastised him for hours on end, seemingly never stopping to even _breathe_. On and on she went, just as she always had. If it weren’t for the fact that he knew she would beat him bloody, he would’ve smiled at the thought. Honestly, he was glad she was there. He had grown tired of constantly watching over Fili and Kili and it was a relief that the duty was no longer his. “Thorin are you even listening to me?! Ugh, you’re _useless_. I’m telling you now, your nephew ought to be king, not you. At least _he_ listens to his superiors – and yes, I am your superior and you _know it_ – and respects his elders and minds his manners. It’s like you were raised in a _barn_!”

A low chuckle could be heard in the darkness and Dis whipped around, drawing a sword in defense as Thorin leapt to his feet, doing the same. “Easy, lower your weapons,” Gandalf laughed, raising his hands to show he was unarmed – save for his staff of course – as he stepped out of the shadows, “Dis, you ought to punish everyone who’s ever done any wrong. They won’t be able to walk away without feeling any sort of shame. Now tell me, why did I hear a dragon and why do I see a campfire up on the ledge and _why_ are you two down here?” With a huff, Dis began explaining, not allowing Thorin to interject at all during the story. When she had finished, there was a smile on the old wizard’s face as he looked up the steps with a sharp eye. “Well. It seems we have a very alive and very angry dragon on our hands. Plus Smaug.” He winked at Dis, who normally would’ve taken insult to the comment, but she knew it was all in good fun and didn’t allow herself to get offended in the slightest.

“It appears you are right, Gandalf,” she replied, sighing heavily, “It appears you are quite right…”

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. This was written between approximately 1:15 am and 2 am. Forgive me.


End file.
